My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
You Might Also Like
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Awwwww shit.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Thank you corporation very cool
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him