wtf management?!
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My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.