INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
my astrological sign is a french fry
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.