ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
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Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
This guy gets it.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!