I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
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Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.