In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
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This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
based al yankovic
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES