People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
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Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Butt weight. There’s more!
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.