Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
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I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
who will stop them
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.