If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
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“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Straight people are cancelled
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?