I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
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You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.