[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
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wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I am all good here, 😂😉
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony