I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
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Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.