This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
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Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
scrabbled eggs