90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
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God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated