“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
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I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage