Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
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friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone