Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
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How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Imma just leave this here…………
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s