I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.