Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
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Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??