“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
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Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”