“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
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Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine