Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
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Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings