They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
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[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood