First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
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“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I hope they boil the right one.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.