I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
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[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Ah yes. The three genders
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.