My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
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dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free