My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
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*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?