T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
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Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Room with a view.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice