I am crying
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Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
iPhone X
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
how to have fun when you’re poor
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus