At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
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Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
No. He’s not coming out to play
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
😎 🍻
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew