Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
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My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
eggs benadryl
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.