What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
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For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid