It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
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Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.