According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
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Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
it must be school picture day
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*