ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
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When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot