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Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards