People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
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You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Bros before Ohioes