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My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
sry
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*