Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
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I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Confused owl: What?!
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey