Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
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I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa