Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
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*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
How about I get 100% off by already being there