I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
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Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Terribly Tuesday.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?