Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
You Might Also Like
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Every work call, he judges.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.