I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
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Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.