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My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO