Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
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I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.