Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
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Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
this… may be the greatest story ever told
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
These work great until they don’t.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.