I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
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I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
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Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”