[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
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Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student