She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
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[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
choose your gary
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.